Survival of the Shittest: The Ultimate Guide to Passing a Woman’s Test
What is a Shit Test?
So what is a Shit Test?
Exactly my question when I first researched the term. At first, it conjured up all these gross images of human excretions that have nothing to do with how women treat men.
1. Is it a test we conduct after a bowel movement to determine how well our food has been digested?
2. Does it have something to do with anal sex, like tests men might give women to determine if they’re into it?
3. Does it describe the point in a relationship when a woman feels comfortable enough with a man to go “Number 2” in his presence?
You catch my drift, and I don’t want to gross us out any further.
So I did some research through the handy, authoritative source of information for basically everything on the planet, Google, and discovered the term’s popularity within the pick-up artist (PUA) community, a community of men (and some women) who teach and study the art of approaching, dating, and seducing women.
The PUA blogosphere was filled with definitions of the “Shit Test,” but I found the following the most succinct and helpful.
The purpose of a Shit Test isn’t to annoy a guy or test his patience. It’s not done to be negative. A chick, particularly a good-looking one, has many guys throughout her life chasing her for attention. She must deploy mechanisms which quickly test a guy to judge his “worthiness,” to test his mettle. The most efficient way for her to do this is to spring forth what are seemingly crazy questions without real purpose or to act in way which seems incomprehensible.
Shit Test is when a woman gives a guy a hard time, usually for the purpose of seeing how he will react. Because women (especially attractive women) are hit on all the time, they have developed behaviors that quickly disqualify potential suitors who are not of a high enough value for her. The Shit Test is one way to do this. Shit Tests can be challenges, IODs or reframes that an HB uses to test the PUA.
For the most definitive definition, I turned to Neil Strauss’ glossary at the end of The Game, his bestselling PUA classic about his transformation from an AFC (average frustrated chump) into one of the world’s greatest pick-up artists. This is how he defines “Shit Test.”
Shit Test (noun): a question, demand, or seemingly hostile comment made by a woman intended to gauge whether a man is strong enough to be a worthy boyfriend or sexual partner. If he takes the question, demand, or comment at face value, he fails and generally loses the opportunity to move forward in his interaction with her. Examples include telling him he is too young or old for her, or asking him to perform an unnecessary favor.
This book will include many examples of Shit Tests, but here are a few to get us started:
A man approaches a woman at a party after flirting with another partygoer, and she says, “So did you hit on all the women here?”
A man and woman are meeting for a drink, and she’ll look at the attractive, voluptuous bartender and say, “She probably attracts a lot of male customers, don’t you think?
A woman excuses herself from a conversation with a man, and he asks her where she’s going, to which she says, “You’re so possessive!”
A couple has an argument, and a few hours later he cuddles up to her for affection, and she says, “Oh, now you get affectionate!”
Strauss does not provide us with the origin of the term “Shit Test” as he does for other terms. Nor have I encountered its etymology. What exactly does the “shit” in question refer to? Does it refer to the man’s shit, as in she’s testing to see whether he’s full of it? Or does it refer to the “dump” a woman takes on a man with her unpleasant comments, questions, and requests? My guess is that the person who coined the term imagined the women as owner of the shit.
While the etymology remains unsolved, Strauss’ definition provides an excellent starting point for understanding the Shit Test. In other words, according to his definition, a Shit Test is meant to determine if a guy has enough balls for the woman. So perhaps the Shit Test should also be called the “Testicle Test.” She’s testing his testies!
But I get carried away with tempting puns.
What, then, makes a man “strong enough” to be a worthy boyfriend or sexual partner? PUA’s offer different answers to this question. As I was conducting research into the meaning of the Shit Test, I couldn’t help but feel enlightened, surprised, and a bit stymied by the various answers. I felt like my gender was being analyzed and dissected like some species in a scientific experiment. Sometimes it takes an outside observer to rationally observe and distinguish what goes on in another’s twisted mind, and we all know how twisted a woman’s mind can get (as can a man’s, so don’t go feeling all self- righteous).
Before studying the art of the pick-up, I used to think PUAs were full of shit. I imagined and dismissed the PUA industry as a community of manipulative misogynists and/or chauvinists pandering to horny men. While some PUAs advocate dishonest means to sleep with a woman—means I condemn—I found out that many PUAs have simply clued into the behaviors, attitudes, and characteristics that attract a woman through all stages of a relationship, even past the “pick-up” stage. Through empirical and a priori studies, seduction specialists, if you will, have honed in on gender-specific traits that trigger attraction between the sexes. Pick-up artists who teach men how to develop their “inner game,” the positive personality and character traits that attract women—as opposed to outer techniques and strategies—are essentially self- help coaches.
Most women don’t actively think in the terms some PUAs attribute to us; however, literature on the art of seduction has elucidated behaviors we women may employ subconsciously, including Shit Tests. Women don’t consciously test a man’s “value” to determine whether he is a worthy boyfriend or partner. “Me? Qualifying potential suitors? No! I’m sweet and give everyone a chance.” Yeah, right. More often than not, women give Shit Tests as a knee-jerk reaction. They can’t control them.
This book is not meant to instruct men on how to manipulate or trick women into bed (sorry!). Through an in-depth analysis of the Shit Test, it is intended to provide a view of the psychology of a woman to help a man better understand and cater to a woman’s heart without playing destructive games and without boring her to death, either. Some men may only want to cater to a woman’s body, and some women will happily accept and even welcome casual sex if the man is clear and direct about his intentions and if he indicates he will still treat her with respect as a casual sex partner. Often a Shit Test is meant to uncover those intentions and how he will follow through with them.
I actually thank some PUA literature for shedding light on my patterns of attraction towards certain men. I have been able to go through the roster of men I had crushes on and say: “Oh, that’s why I was attracted to him. He’s an alpha male. Duh.”
General PUA wisdom is correct in asserting that women are usually attracted to alpha males, the leaders in a community of men. An alpha male is distinguished by signs of physical and mental strength, high socioeconomic status, confidence, independence, composure, and leadership. However, mature, secure women who have both risen and fallen in relationships (and indulged in a little therapy) are also wary of the jerks, who often display the characteristics of alpha males. The “jerks” reel women in with their very manly characteristics, only to leave women hanging or confused when they get what they want and disappear. At some point, women veer away from the cool, composed, emotionally-detached alpha male and seek the guy who, while exhibiting alpha male characteristics, also makes them feel comfortable, secure, desirable, attractive, and valued.
So I’ve expanded the definition of “Shit Test” as a test of a man’s confidence in handling not only a woman’s securities, but her insecurities. Is he perceptive and strong enough to understand who she is and what she likes, and to respond deftly not only to her greatness and healthy desires, but also to her insecurities, needs, and fears?
Women with dating experience know better than to broadcast loudly their insecurities, needs, and fears. Been there, done that. We’ve seen men run out of the bedroom with a wilted hard-on when we asked them, point blank: How do you feel? Could we talk about our relationship? Do you think I’m prettier than my best friend? So we sometimes couch our insecurities, needs, and fears in playful, curious, or mildly hostile talk that seemingly transfers the insecurity, need, and fear to the guy, especially as our feelings for him grow.
But the “shit” is not our essence. We long for the gardener of our heart who’ll quickly and without a second thought rake the shit away and nurture the confident, powerful, vibrant, sexy, and exciting woman inside.
The term “Shit Test,” unfortunately, creates the impression that it is something to dread, and in an ideal world, women shouldn’t have to conduct Shit Tests. We should be completely honest, spiritually whole, and psychologically perfect so that men can enjoy us without hassle. And I’m still waiting for peace to happen in the Middle East.
If I were a guy, I’d be worried if I weren’t given any Shit Tests. It would mean I didn’t ignite enough sexual tension or attraction to trigger a healthy degree of nervousness, challenge, and coyness in a woman.
I’ve tried to come up with a few euphemisms for “Shit Test” that associate it with more positive metaphors suggesting natural, vibrant, and healthy expressions of male/female attraction and interaction.
Euphemism 1: “The Flower Test”
Women are flowering, waving their petals and hoping to draw a man inside, like a bee to nectar so sweet he’ll persist through the harmless bugs and thorns to get a taste—without stinging her.
Euphemism 2: “The Power Flirt”
The Power Flirt is an activity that challenges both men and women to flex their mental muscles in pursuit of sex and romance. It belongs to the family of power lunches, power crunches, and power tools, extracting from men the best of them.
Euphemism 3: “The Razor Blade”
The woman is shaving off any layer of general, indiscriminate lustfulness or laziness to determine the man’s unique interest in her and their compatibility.
Euphemism 4: “Flirtilizer”
This phrase still conjures up feces, but soft, nourishing feces. The woman is merely patting down dirt to see if the man will eat it up, plow it away, or recognize its nutritious value and plant a seed in it to create something beautiful and redolent.
Okay. I know what you’re thinking. Not only do these euphemisms offer imprecise alternatives to the true meaning of Shit Test, they don’t capture the human imagination as effectively. So I’ll stick to the term “Shit Test” because it’s so much more colorful, even if brown is a neutral color.
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